Today

I checked my phone every two minutes, hoping the text would come. Hoping I would get a “Happy Valentines Day”, at least, because I knew I wasn’t going to get anything else. It never came, you said hello and acted like it was any other day, and although it was, it also wasn’t. Every man knows Valentines day is special to women, it makes them feel loved and special. That day, I felt anything but special, I was mortified every time one of my friends asked me “What did he get you for valentines day” or “What plans do you guys have for tonight”. My answer always came up blank and my peers always looked at me sideways, feeling the sadness of my vibe. “It’s okay I’m sure he just is busy”, one friend said to me wary. I knew that wasn’t true. I knew you didn’t want to acknowledge the day because you were too worried about how you were going to feel, not once thinking about me or my feelings.

Unfortunately, I forgave you for that. I told myself “It was just Valentines Day, it didn’t mean really anything”. But I would soon come to find out it was everything. That day was my first bold sign of how I would be treated for the entirety of our relationship. 

Luckily, now I have learned and I have grown. Today, I am so happy to celebrate Valentines Day with the person who is most important to me, myself. Today I hold no expectations of how the day should proceed, today I have no worries if someone is going to wish me a Happy Valentines Day or not. Today, for the first time in a long time, I feel happy and free. I love my life and the people in it, and to all of you who didn’t receive the text you’ve been so anxiously waiting for, “Happy Valentines Day”. 

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Darkness

brivathediva

I feel suffocated by the same air that is supposed to help me breathe. Tortured by a familiarity of darkness. A darkness that matches my feeling of nothing, luring me in deeper, threatening to take me further than I have ever gone before. I feel a sincere jealousy of those who can smile without any effort, of those who are granted lovers and friends. Oh how badly I wish I could have someone I love here with me, maybe then it wouldn’t hurt so bad.  – But my family are miles away, my friends all consumed with their more important relationships and my ex-boyfriend is gone forever. I have no one but myself and the darkness that comes with it. Sometimes I wonder who would care if I permanently slipped away into it…

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How it should go…

brivathediva

People have such a high expectation of what life should be, and it’s only when their life does not measure up to that expectation, that they begin to feel depressed, angry and even lonely. Starting from our younger years, we are told there’s a way life should go. You should get an education, a career, get married and have children – in that order. But,  life really never goes that way.  It seems we fail to mention the downfalls that are guaranteed to be experienced while trying to achieve this “lifestyle”. This same “lifestyle” that is embedded in our brain as the only way to live.

Everyone should of course strive for a successful, educated life, but it isn’t going to be the same life as the person next to you, and we should never be told that it will be. We are all different people with different roads to go down…

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How it should go…

People have such a high expectation of what life should be, and it’s only when their life does not measure up to that expectation, that they begin to feel depressed, angry and even lonely. Starting from our younger years, we are told there’s a way life should go. You should get an education, a career, get married and have children – in that order. But,  life really never goes that way.  It seems we fail to mention the downfalls that are guaranteed to be experienced while trying to achieve this “lifestyle”. This same “lifestyle” that is embedded in our brain as the only way to live.

Everyone should of course strive for a successful, educated life, but it isn’t going to be the same life as the person next to you, and we should never be told that it will be. We are all different people with different roads to go down, different obstacles to take on, leading us to different destinations. While one person may take 20 years to accomplish something, someone else will take 10. And we as humans have to start realizing and accepting that as life. It’s not about whose life is the best, but about creating a happy world for yourself and others. That only starts with the acceptance that God and the universe has a very differen’t plan for each and everyone of us, but in the end we are all the same.

 

Dream World

I find myself living in a dream world…most of the time. This world, the real world is brutal, in more ways than one. Majority of the time it is unfair, not to just me, but others and for some reason I cannot fully handle it, at least not sober. Marijuana and alcohol are my main mechanisms to help me escape to my dream world, when I’m using those components everything is how I want it to be. I smile easily, laugh harder and fall into a state of relaxation, which sounds great, doesn’t it? I mean it is great, but recently I have been feeling the wraths of reality even while high, it has finally dawned on me that this false world of mine is doing more harm than good. I abruptly get thrown out of my dream world when reality hits, and usually its not a soft hit. Usually it sends me spiraling on my ass, leaving me sad and confused as to what just happened. And it almost always leads me to a emotional disaster.

My main goal in life is similar to everyone else’s, I just want to be happy. But I think in order for that to happen I have to start accepting reality for what it truly is. My dream world doesn’t prepare me for what is actually going to happen. I have to learn how to really feel things instead of masking my feelings with drugs. My escapist ways are starting to hurt me, and are halting me from growing into a better person.

 

But the pain of reality is too much bare.

Darkness

I feel suffocated by the same air that is supposed to help me breathe. Tortured by a familiarity of darkness. A darkness that matches my feeling of nothing, luring me in deeper, threatening to take me further than I have ever gone before. I feel a sincere jealousy of those who can smile without any effort, of those who are granted lovers and friends. Oh how badly I wish I could have someone I love here with me, maybe then it wouldn’t hurt so bad.  – But my family are miles away, my friends all consumed with their more important relationships and my ex-boyfriend is gone forever. I have no one but myself and the darkness that comes with it. Sometimes I wonder who would care if I permanently slipped away into it…

“Ohio State passes bill to ban abortion when heartbeat can be detected”

When will people understand? It is not your choice what a woman does with her body. If you think it’s wrong to have an abortion after a heartbeat is detected, then don’t get an abortion. To try and control what someone does with their own body is flat out wrong. You don’t know the personal situation an individual goes through, therefore you should not have ANY say on that individual. Period.

 

 

 

I needed all of you

You wanted me to be there for you, to care for you, to hold you when times got rough, to listen to your problems, cheer for you when good things happened, hold your hand, kiss your lips and keep my body close to yours at night. . . all of the things a typical girlfriend does without expectation, yet, despite all of those things I did for you, you wouldn’t do the one thing that you were asking of me, you wouldn’t call me your girlfriend.

I continued to think that if I kept doing all of these things, eventually, it would happen. But – it’s been months and months of this and were still unofficially here. It’s not fair and it hurts. It hurts to know that you don’t want me in the way I want you. It hurts to know that everything I do goes unnoticed. It hurts to know that you put yourself before me, always. If you cared about me, you would consider how I feel. But you don’t. You just keep on receiving without giving.

I wanted this to work so badly. Every day and night I smiled knowing I had you in my life, but then it would appear frank to me that I didn’t actually have you. I had parts of you, the parts you only wanted me to have, and I needed all of you.

Every time I try to leave, you tell me how much you like and care for me, but all it does is hurt me more. Knowing I had someone who almost cared about me enough, but not quite, might be the saddest thing of this all. I wish you would have just let things go the way they were suppose to, because I needed you, I didn’t need parts of you, I needed all of you…and now, you’ll be left with nothing.

Charged up

People always say the internet has made our lives easier. But has it really? In what way? It allows us to communicate quicker, yes, but how many times are those communications misunderstood? It allows us to keep up with others, yes, but how many times are we so consumed with others we forget to love ourselves?

I do think the internet has advanced our world in ways we never even imagined possible, but I can’t deny that I wish I would’ve been born before we developed our world into solely caring about social media. We need less likes and more hugs; less comments and more love.

I am guilty of revolving my life around the internet. Whether it’s at work, being “social” or even going to school, I seem to feel like I NEED the internet to survive. It has become something I depend on. What happened to depending on hope? Or depending on human kind and love to get us by?

Now a days, I even see young children constantly consumed by the internet. It’s like a curse, similar to money. It has taken over our brain, even at young ages, and has convinced us that we need it more than it needs us.

The creativity, happiness, individuality, and so forth, that God has blessed us with is easily compromised by the internet and social media. We all need to focus on love and living life with the pure intent of being happy, rather than worrying about charging our phone.

Beautiful, twisted, christmas miracle.

She lived in New York City for 4 years and had yet to see the extravagant, famous christmas tree in Rockefeller Center. So she asked him “Can we please go see it?”, “I don’t feel like it” he says. “But you promised me we would go…”, “I don’t fucking feel like it!” he angrily says, as he turns his back to her and walks into the subway, expecting her to follow.

She sits next to him for the hour train ride that is taking them deep into a foreign borough, staring silently out the window. He says nothing either, unbothered by her presence and disappointment. Finally he says, “Why the fuck do you look so depressed, can you cheer up, you’re making me look bad.” staring at her now with cold brown eyes. “Whats good with you man, don’t speak to your lady like that” says a brave (or concerned) pedestrian listening in to their conversation. “Mind your own fucking business”, “Tell him to mind his own fucking business” he says facing her now. She stays silent taking it all in. “You deserve better baby girl, get rid of this loser”….. Later that night he mentally punishes her for staying silent. He tells her she should’ve stuck up for him, he tells her that is the reason why she’ll never really be special to him.

*Two weeks later*

“I miss you sweetheart, can you please take me back, I swear I’ll be better this time, I’ll treat you right, we can even go see the Christmas tree and go ice skating, whatever you want to do, I’ll never find another like you” he says. Her only response was, “I want to see the tree”. “So lets go baby” he says, the words ‘baby’ piercing her heart.

“Wow, its beautiful.” she says as she stares into the blinking lights, hidden brightly, in the dark green branches. She takes it all in, the bitter cold, the happy couples, the laughter of children, the christmas music playing as families ice skate underneath the tree. Then she turns her head and looks at him, he’s already staring at her, falling in love with the way she enjoyed the moment..

He grabs her hand for the first time in a year as they walk back to the train. He gently takes her face and kisses her in front of everyone – something he normally doesn’t do. And for the first time ever he says “I love you.”

She replies, unsuccessfully holding back tears, “I loved you” and slips away into the beautiful, dark, twisted, cheerful night.