Darkness

I feel suffocated by the same air that is supposed to help me breathe. Tortured by a familiarity of darkness. A darkness that matches my feeling of nothing, luring me in deeper, threatening to take me further than I have ever gone before. I feel a sincere jealousy of those who can smile without any effort, of those who are granted lovers and friends. Oh how badly I wish I could have someone I love here with me, maybe then it wouldn’t hurt so bad.  – But my family are miles away, my friends all consumed with their more important relationships and my ex-boyfriend is gone forever. I have no one but myself and the darkness that comes with it. Sometimes I wonder who would care if I permanently slipped away into it…

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“Ohio State passes bill to ban abortion when heartbeat can be detected”

When will people understand? It is not your choice what a woman does with her body. If you think it’s wrong to have an abortion after a heartbeat is detected, then don’t get an abortion. To try and control what someone does with their own body is flat out wrong. You don’t know the personal situation an individual goes through, therefore you should not have ANY say on that individual. Period.

 

 

 

Charged up

People always say the internet has made our lives easier. But has it really? In what way? It allows us to communicate quicker, yes, but how many times are those communications misunderstood? It allows us to keep up with others, yes, but how many times are we so consumed with others we forget to love ourselves?

I do think the internet has advanced our world in ways we never even imagined possible, but I can’t deny that I wish I would’ve been born before we developed our world into solely caring about social media. We need less likes and more hugs; less comments and more love.

I am guilty of revolving my life around the internet. Whether it’s at work, being “social” or even going to school, I seem to feel like I NEED the internet to survive. It has become something I depend on. What happened to depending on hope? Or depending on human kind and love to get us by?

Now a days, I even see young children constantly consumed by the internet. It’s like a curse, similar to money. It has taken over our brain, even at young ages, and has convinced us that we need it more than it needs us.

The creativity, happiness, individuality, and so forth, that God has blessed us with is easily compromised by the internet and social media. We all need to focus on love and living life with the pure intent of being happy, rather than worrying about charging our phone.

Beautiful, twisted, christmas miracle.

She lived in New York City for 4 years and had yet to see the extravagant, famous christmas tree in Rockefeller Center. So she asked him “Can we please go see it?”, “I don’t feel like it” he says. “But you promised me we would go…”, “I don’t fucking feel like it!” he angrily says, as he turns his back to her and walks into the subway, expecting her to follow.

She sits next to him for the hour train ride that is taking them deep into a foreign borough, staring silently out the window. He says nothing either, unbothered by her presence and disappointment. Finally he says, “Why the fuck do you look so depressed, can you cheer up, you’re making me look bad.” staring at her now with cold brown eyes. “Whats good with you man, don’t speak to your lady like that” says a brave (or concerned) pedestrian listening in to their conversation. “Mind your own fucking business”, “Tell him to mind his own fucking business” he says facing her now. She stays silent taking it all in. “You deserve better baby girl, get rid of this loser”….. Later that night he mentally punishes her for staying silent. He tells her she should’ve stuck up for him, he tells her that is the reason why she’ll never really be special to him.

*Two weeks later*

“I miss you sweetheart, can you please take me back, I swear I’ll be better this time, I’ll treat you right, we can even go see the Christmas tree and go ice skating, whatever you want to do, I’ll never find another like you” he says. Her only response was, “I want to see the tree”. “So lets go baby” he says, the words ‘baby’ piercing her heart.

“Wow, its beautiful.” she says as she stares into the blinking lights, hidden brightly, in the dark green branches. She takes it all in, the bitter cold, the happy couples, the laughter of children, the christmas music playing as families ice skate underneath the tree. Then she turns her head and looks at him, he’s already staring at her, falling in love with the way she enjoyed the moment..

He grabs her hand for the first time in a year as they walk back to the train. He gently takes her face and kisses her in front of everyone – something he normally doesn’t do. And for the first time ever he says “I love you.”

She replies, unsuccessfully holding back tears, “I loved you” and slips away into the beautiful, dark, twisted, cheerful night.

The Dead Flower City

When I was younger, I would always be envious of those who were older than me. Their lives looked so fun as they explored their options of activity in Rochester, New York. I would watch adults go out to festivals, restaurants, bars, or even just the mall and have a great time, and always think, “I can’t wait to grow up and be able to enjoy life how they do.” …but when the time came for me to grow up, nothing was the same.

I always loved the city feel, and in Rochester the downtown area seemed to be the closest thing I could get to that. Around the age of 15, I excitedly told my mother that I was going to go downtown. To my surprise, my mother scolded me and warned me to never go down there, “It is dangerous and unsafe”, she said. The words “dangerous and unsafe” meant nothing to me at that age, I figured my mother’s choice of words were just pure worrisome for her daughter, like typical mothers tend to do.

So, I went anyways, me and my friend just hopped on a bus (for the first time) and went. I had never been downtown before, but my imagination had. I pictured it would be just like New York City, with tall buildings, bustling restaurants, adults socializing, shopping, diversity, etc. But when I stepped off the bus, I quickly realized why my mother was so persistent on me not going. I felt like I had entered a completely different world. The entire city was grey and cold. The flashing lights I had hoped and dreamt of seeing were solely from police cars and ambulances. The only bustling happening came from the homeless, drunken, addicts who carelessly roamed the streets. There was no one shopping because none of the stores were open anymore. Racial diversity was impossible to see because anyone who didn’t resemble the white man was already in handcuffs. The only glimpse of happiness I saw came from the folks who were walking out of their corporate buildings. I was confused, scared and a little hurt…What were all the adults doing when I was younger that looked so fun? Because this was not fun; this was pure misery embedded in a city. This was something I had never seen before; something I never wanted to see again.

Since that day, since I was 15 years old, I have stepped into Downtown Rochester twice. And those two times mirrored my first experience. Now, at 22 years old, sitting in Manhattan, New York, I am still furious but also curious as to how our elders let Downtown Rochester turn into what it has become? Why has our generation stayed silent, instead of using their powerful voices and brilliant minds to prosper and grow this city into the potential it’s invisibly holding? I have so many questions, but it’s too late for the answers, it’s time for change.

We are the future, we will prevail.

love-trumps-hate-vintage-brown

This morning I woke up at the devils hour. 3 AM to be exact. I opened up my phone anxious and excited to see Hillary Clinton make history. But instead, I found myself blind sided in tears. I was overwhelmed and saddened as the tears continuously fell down my face, and my heart sunk to a place it had never gone before.

I woke up the next morning with a heart full of anger, hate running through my veins. I was no longer sad, I was ANGRY. Did Americans really vote for this man, especially women? Is America really everything I was hoping it wouldn’t be? Are we really this low of a country that we would rather choose a man with no political experience, over a well qualified woman, just because she is a woman? Does racism still really exist, despite all that MLK and other black leaders have fought for? Unfortunately, I soon realized the answers to all my questions were yes. And YES I was angry, unbelievably so – anyone on social media who posted in support of Trump got deleted. I felt betrayed by people who were suppose to care about me. I angrily realized I am looked at differently because I am of African American descent and I am a woman.

I spend a lot of my time reading history books and reading about our past presidents to try and understand America.To try and understand how we came about to be this type of country. And believe me, it is a lot easier to understand then most people think. Our founding fathers built this country off hate. They destroyed others who did not resemble them, or made them feel less superior. Our first President was the owner of 100’s of black slaves, and he was not kind to those slaves. Blacks did not have basic human rights until after the 1950’s, and yet we still see issues occurring for people of color. It is 2016 and a woman, to this day, cannot be fathomed to be seen any better than a man.

But now here we are, what are we to do? This question has been on my mind all day. Unfriending racist, sexist, ignorant, uneducated people on Facebook really will not solve the problems we wish to solve. And as much as I want to be hateful, being hateful will not solve the problems we wish to solve. After-all you cannot be hateful and prevail equally. Hate will just add more fuel to a fire that is already engrossed in flames. So what then? What do we do…

Well I’ll tell you what WE do. We continue to educate ourselves and really learn about our history so it does not repeat itself. We learn and understand, in depth, how historical leaders helped citizens to overcome the roughest, darkest moments of America. We do not hate, but love. We love. Love is the strongest, most powerful emotion, love will help us prevail. Their hate is what makes us stronger, “when they go low, we go high”. We do not stay quiet, we fight. We fight nonviolently, peacefully and loud. Our voices need to be heard and with violence or anger no one actually hears what we are trying to say.

My fellow African Americans, Muslims, Mexicans, Women, LGBT community and Immigrants: WE have to stand up for what we believe is right, even if a man who will soon hold the highest power in the land does not believe so. WE are the generation who will create the next revolution. WE are the generation that will be in the history books. WE are the generation who will not quietly go down. WE are the generation Martin Luther King, Susan B. Anthony, Jim Lawson, Barack Obama and many more hoped we would be. There’s no better time to start taking control of our lives than right now. WE are the future, and WE will prevail.

No such thing as a life that’s better than yours…

So they say…but lately it has not been feeling that way..

They tell you the only way you can succeed in life is by getting an education. They tell you you are one up if you have a degree. So why do I in fact feel one down. Like now I have this burden on my shoulders. The burden of school debt. Every month for 10+ years I will have to pay an extreme amount of money just to pay back an education I was told I needed to get in order to survive “life”.

The degree didn’t and still does not test my intelligence. I am just as smart with or without the degree next to my name. This is such an important issue for us right now. And with the Presidential Election approaching its interesting to see that neither candidates merely talk about student loans and the awful burden it puts on us newly graduates.

I know there is more to life then this…there has to be, but at the same time it’s so difficult to not feel hopeless when it comes to student loans and education.

One day when I become influential I will  NOT forget this topic so easily as it is a pert-ant issue to many, many American’s daily lives and that is simply NOT okay.

Beauty in flaws

Something I had to learn at a very young age is to love yourself.

I think this is one of the most difficult tasks of a human beings life. But if we do not love ourselves, how could we possibly learn to love others? It seems that most people now a days are so ready to jump into relationships because they feel as if getting into one will fill the emptiness in their life of loneliness or unhappiness. And while it may fill that void for the meantime, it will only last so long.

I know it can be difficult to love yourself when everyone and everything in the world seems to be knocking you down. The way I learned was by finding things that I love to do. Finding things that made me smile, even just for a moment. For example, wearing no make-up and watching people still treat you the same with or without it. Running down the block even if its only for a 5 minutes. Reading a book while the sun sets in the sky. Making a cup of coffee at 12am just because I wanted to feel the warmth’s of the coffee go down my body. Binge watching my favorite t.v. show without a care in the world. Starting a new hobby, although I know nothing about it and may not even end up liking it. All of these seemingly small things and details in life will indeed lead you to the right place of self-love and happiness.

You may not find what I like to do as a satisfactory for your life, in fact you most likely wont! So find your own path! Run or walk extremely slow down that path, at the end of the day all that will matter is that you created the path yourself.

To me it seems that the point of life is the pursuit of happiness and it starts with you.

This isn’t goodbye

When you hear “sorority” what comes to mind? Most people automatically have a negative perspective towards it….but you truly never know what it’s about until you are apart of it.

I was lucky enough to be blessed with a lifetime of memories because of my sorority. Not only did it bring me friends outside of my normal friend group but really opened up my eyes to life.

This sorority helped me realize who I really was. My confidence, independence and leadership roles all come from being in this organization. Without it I don’t think I would be half the person I am today.

I guess what I’m trying to say is that sororities, yes may have the “fake” girls, not everyone is best friends, and of course some kind of mental/physical challenge is presented before you join. But I can confidentially say it was all worth it.

Thank you Sigma Delta Tau for the memories. You have made me a better person and no amount of words will ever be enough. ❤️

 

Unforgettable 

Yesterday I watched the class of 2016 walk across the same stage and individually receive their diploma. It was an experience I’ll never forgot…college was an experience I’ll never forget.

Our speakers confidently talked about how we will be great, and do great things in our future – but what they didn’t tell us, is that the future is never guaranteed.

I wish they would have mentioned that a lot of things in our life won’t work out the way we want it to. That most of us will have to start at the bottom and climb to the very top. That we will go through more disappointments than achievements – but that those achievements will be greater than all of the disappointments combined.

Life is a journey and I feel as if graduating college was only the beginning of it.

To the class of 2016, we are separate individuals but we are going through this together. Let’s make the beginning of our adulthood unforgettable, as we did these past 4 years.

Great things are to come, but only if you let it.